nO rEgREts

During an interesting case of food poisoning, I have spent the last few days in the fetal position around my toilet. Here, I started to think about things because, truly, I have never felt so ill in my life.. The sight of food made me physically ill and any liquids that I might have ingested were the only things keeping me alive.

Around my toilet, I started to have one thought after another about my life and where it was heading and all in all... I have no regrets. I think that is the greatest life anyone can ever have. To be able to die and not regret a single moment of my life made me feel stronger.. And in a way, it made me feel more alive than I have ever felt.

I had never thought about all the decisions in my life before, all the things I've done and all the misguided pleasures I had experienced before that moment when I began to throw up blood because there was nothing left in my stomach except that. For a split second, I thought that I might not make it through the night but for some reason I was content with what I had done with me. I have no regrets; I have no reason to be ashamed or guilty about anything in my life. There is nothing here that I wished hadn't happened to me because it made me into the person that I am today.. For that, I am thankful... More thankful than I have ever been in my life.

It may not seem like a lot but to me, it means the world. My mom had anyways told me that death was inevitable so live life the way life was meant to be lived.. To live it, is to be alive.. She also told me that with that I will sin, and I will do more wrong than I ever thought possible but she said to never be ashamed for that. And to this day, I feel sorry for nothing. My life, thus far, has been an adventure and one that I will forever be glad to live. I can't imagine a life that has been any better. And don't ever want to imagine one that is any worse.

Wednesday night, I collapsed and woke up Thursday morning in ICU. I'm not entirely sure how I got there but there I was in my ass-out gown, staring at a ceiling that wasn't my own. Thursday afternoon I has released and told that it would get worse but I refused to stay. Thursday night, I slept in the bathroom around my toilet. Friday morning I threw up blood. Friday afternoon, I went to the train station with a friend. Friday afternoon, I felt like I could walk on the moon. I was going to be alright.

I don't know what made me get better.. I don't have the faintest idea of what "cured" the majority o f my illness but there I was standing at the train station, and I couldn't have felt any better. I always thought that the outlook on my life was what kept me going and now I really believe that to be true..

No regrets... The way I will live my life forever..