yOu sMiLe bEcAuSE yOu dOn'T kNoW...i sMiLe bEcAUsE i diD iT

Mass chaos and confusion.. Disorder and delusions... Panic and havoc... And I haven't even had lunch yet.

My mom knew I was a troubled kid when I bothered a teacher so much that she opted to forgo retirement just to get away from me. I used to be a chronic trouble maker. In some of my classes when I was in school, I only saw the inside during test taking. Otherwise, the words, "Go to the hall!" were forever my "scarlet letters". I wore them with pride. I was a trash-talking, mischief makin', smart ass. No one had to tell me..I already knew it.

I was one of the chosen few that were "gifted". I realized later that "gifted" was just another way to say, "creatively evil". I liked the term "gifted" better because for some reason people thought it was a good thing. And...I have to admit..it was..but only in rare cases. Some of the guys in my class had IQ's over 140 and they were still in elementary school.. Then, there were people like me.. IQ of 136 at the time and constantly getting in trouble for blowing things up on the playground or melting things in the lunchroom or telling the school bully to beat up something because it was talking shit about them. (Mind you that "things" can't talk but I can make a very compelling argument) Imagine Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbs" and make him a her, then give her baggy shorts...That's me in a nutshell.

The reason why I'm thinking about this is because I haven't changed. I realized now that I'm still that "gifted" kid from elementary school that was constantly being sent out into the hall way. I live my life much in the way of the Kid's Next Door. I believe that most grown-ups are the enemy and that there is a war going on to regain control of the world. The adults have it now but, thanks to the help of George Bush..that will all change. Presidents will be younger and less educated, wars will be fought with plungers and other household appliances, and of course..the return of the barter system...Candy would be considered the world's most precious gem and all would be right in the world...well, maybe until something shinier and/or more delicious comes along.

A couple of days ago, I confirmed the fact that I was still that "gifted" kid...I blew up a teddy bear in the backyard. I had already planned to blow up the teddy bear so the prep work was already done; illegal fireworks had been inserted and re-fused for easy blasting, the launch site was clear of debris and level, I was at least 50 feet from the house and I was wearing earplugs. Usually, I try to blow things up when I'm the only witness, that way I can pretend I don't have a clue what happened but it was too late for that.

Everything would have gone just fine but all of a sudden people started coming into the back yard. My mom thought that it was a good idea to have a BBQ for some of the people that she worked with..it seemed harmless enough, right? It wasn't going to interfere anyone plans that she knew of. Little did she know I had plans for the backyard this weekend.

I had already lit the fuse to Teddy-Boom when the first guest arrived. It was only a matter of time before the bear exploded and stuffing would be blasted all over the backyard. I wasn't going to stop now, I had come too far to stop now.. Plus, the fuse was already lit...and I'm fat and refused to chase after it. So, the fuse disappeared into the Teddy-Boom while the last people came into the backyard. I could hear people asking what the hell I was doing but, I chose to ignore them all in the sake of the 5th Amendment. I refuse to self-incriminate myself..especially if everyone knows I did it. It's kinda like the pot callin' the kettle black.

Smoke started shooting out of every hole in the Teddy-Boom and I knew it was time.. I grabbed the camcorder and taped the process in all of it splendor. Imagine this: A cute and cuddly teddy bear begins to smoke uncontrollably. Then, its eyes begin to emanate a faint red light that explodes into those nifty little spinning fireworks. After that, the Snakes that are crammed into its ears are ignited and that black soot begins to ooze out. Then, (and this is my favorite part) The bear begins to hum loudly until it is like a whistle for a train conductor...then....BOOOOOOMMMMM!!! The six M-16s stuffed inside blow that teddy sky-high.

(((***I would like to take a moment to remember Mr.Teddy who bravely volunteered for this suicide mission. Goodbye, Mr.Teddy....We hardly knew, ye.**)))

Stuffing went everywhere and I am pretty sure that you could hear the explosion a few blocks away but it was worth it. My mom came outside and gave me "the Look"..you know the look..that "I brought you into this world and I can take you out" look.. Oh, yeah..I was in trouble. They claim that eventually your kids get too big for you to spank them and my mom is a full believer in that. She no longer spanks my brother and I..Oh, no.. She gets out the baseball bat to even out the playing field. I'm grown by Texas laws so it isn't child abuse; its domestic violence but according to that law there has to be a visible mark on your body in order to press charges. Mom is good at not leaving bruises but I deserve it, so who am I to complain?

So, in front and God and half the people she worked with, she chased me around the backyard with baseball bat in hand. I wasn't sure I was going to make it but I managed to vault over the fence and I ran like hell. I didn't stop until I was in the next city, which in retrospect really isn't that far but still an impressive feet for a chubby kid.

Mom's BBQ continued on without any more "colorful distractions" and ended uneventfully. (I watched the whole thing from the roof while my brother handed me hamburgers out the window.) All in all, it was a fairly good BBQ. It's a shame Mr.Teddy had to miss it.